Joan Ellen Cornell

Next, I want to say this- on my blog, I don't really talk much about the bad parts, the hard parts, the struggles in my life, but believe me, there are many. I tend to stay away from my blog during hard times because I don't like to sit here and complain. But I've realized that life is life, no one has a perfect one, and it's truly good for me to have this place full of support and friends that I can come to and really feel as though i'm not going to be judged.

But like I said in the other post, the love is gone. He stopped loving me, stopped caring, and started treating me like crap. He even admitted he did. And I truly loved him, but over time, you can only be treated that way for so long before that love fades slowly away.

Again, I'm not going to sit here and say I am perfect and that all of our problems were out of my hands, but I am a big enough person to admit to my issues and problems and was in every way willing to work on those. He wasn't. He often says that he tried, and maybe i'm blind, but I never saw those attempts. Nothing ever changed, and it was the same fights week after week, month after month, year after year. For so long he told me that I should just like him for him, and yet he was constantly telling me things that I needed to change or work on when it came to ME.
How is that fair?
I understand the concept of liking and accepting a person for who they are, but I also believe that in a relationship you need to work on certain aspects of yourself in order for things to work. Sometimes you have to do things you don't necessarily want to do. It's called compromise. There are no two people in this world who are exactly alike and think exactly the same way. There just aren't. 

There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, and so it is here that I will do that. I know people wonder "why did you stay?" or "what were you thinking?" because these are things that I ask myself on the daily. Love makes you do crazy things...wanting to keep your family together for your child...those are the only answers I have. 

So to the people who have emailed me with questions about what happened...here are just a few things to help you to understand:

Jeremy chose to not come to the hospital the day Porter was released from the NICU to come home. Why, you ask? Because he says I was being a bitch the night before. And maybe I was. But when you spend over a week sleeping/eating/living in the hospital with your new baby and his Dad doesn't stay one night with you, and then decides to go to concerts and party for two nights in a row the two nights before his son gets to come home...you might have been a tad bitchy too. 

I got us signed up for Medicaid and WIC so we could have insurance and necessities, because he laughed at me when I told him to get a job, even though I had a job the entire time I was pregnant.
Since the beginning of our relationship, over 3 years ago, I have been asking him to go to the zoo with me, or a museum, or for a hike. Did he ONCE do these things with me? No. The only thing he enjoys doing is going to concerts and partying. For real. That's IT. Don't get me wrong, I love music (I think anyone who has been following my blog could see that it's a big part of my life too),
but that's not ALL there is to life.
There is so much more, and it makes me really sad that he is so closed minded and doesn't see that.

He has literally screamed obscenities in my face about my character, about the person I am. 

He has, for years, made me feel like my thoughts, opinions, cares, feelings, and morals are stupid and unimportant. If I don't think like him, then i'm wrong. Or an idiot, or stupid or dumb or retarded. For so long I let him say those things to me and just tried to forget them.
But I know now that that doesn't work. 

I replay some of our most horrible fights over and over in my head often. He was never wrong, he constantly attempted to justify every single thing he's done. He has never apologized for any of his mean words and actions, he just tells me it's my fault he acted that way.
He's been telling me he loved me for years, but admitted not long ago that he never did.
He said he "tried" but he never did. 

So there is a small little portion of "what happened".

I just want everyone to have at least a small chance of understanding. I have, for so long, been made out to be the bad guy and it's not fair.
I'm not a bad person.
I just want to make the right choices and give Porter the best life I can.
I have learned more so in the past 3 years than I've ever known that you can't change people.
People can only change themselves.
And in all honesty, I think some people are incapable of even that. When you live for your whole life being/acting/thinking a certain way, I guess it's just too hard to change. I don't know. 

So now here I am, still living in Jeremy's house, not "together" anymore, but having to interact because we have a child together. I am in the process of looking for another place, but until then it's going to continue to be really hard.
I am trying to stay strong. 

I am really thankful for my friends here, for the people that have shown how much they care about me and have reassured me that I am making the right decisions.

I just want to be happy again. That's all.

Really, truly, happy.

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Lately, I have felt I couldn't get back into my normal blogging schedule until I gave some sort of explanation as to what was going on. I don't know why, but yeah. I didn't want to leave everyone hanging and worrying about me, and just come back here like everything is ok. Because it isn't. It was hard to write this post, and even harder to hit publish. It's hard to admit and talk about the bad stuff.

It's really hard. 

I am going to make a valid effort to get back to normal posting. I love this blog, it's been a place where i've felt I can be myself and not be judged, and I can't push that away. It's been one of the only things that's made me happy for a long time, and I love this community of people.

So with that said, I have a couple reviews/giveaway coming up, and a calendar filled with ideas of posts that I am working on. 

I'm glad to be back :)

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And again, if you don't agree with what I write, then you shouldn't be here.
If you want to let me know that you don't agree, that is completely fine. I will hear you out and talk with you about it.
If I know who you are...