Goodbye for now

Happy New Years Eve my friends.  It would have been 3 years today. We didn't make it. It looks like 2012 is going to be a drast...

Happy New Years Eve my friends. 

It would have been 3 years today. We didn't make it.

It looks like 2012 is going to be a drastically different/hard/trying year, and i'm not sure if I will be around here very much. While I need the support, I can't really bear to write about my shitty life right now. My only option at this point is to move back to Illinois. I don't have a job, or money, or even a car right now, so i'm literally going to have to start all over- and I can't do that alone, I need my family. 
Somewhere down the road I may be back here as much as i've always been, but until then, i'm so thankful for the friends i've made here and I hope you all bear with me for a while. I may still be around on Twitter and Instagram, but we'll see. When life isn't going well, I tend to pull myself away from the familiar (weird, I know). There are a few scheduled posts coming in the next week or two, and then that's probably it for a while. 

He admitted he doesn't love me, and he's made it very clear that he's not willing to respect me or my choices or beliefs, and told me that we will never have a connection or a good relationship if I don't do something that I don't feel comfortable doing (I don't want to get into that on here). So as much as i'm completely heartbroken, I think knowing those things will make it a little easier.
Someday I will find someone who loves and cares about me as much as I do them, and someone who will understand and accept me for who I am...
-until then, it's me and P.

----------------------------------------------------

May I come to Understand,
that blessings are everywhere,
that my attitude will effect outcomes,
that challenges are often gifts in disguise.

May I come to Trust
that most things can get better, with time,
that my instincts & gut feelings have value,
that a positive attitude makes things go smoother.

May I come to See
that I have many skills & talents I can use,
that I am a positive influence on many people,
that there are those around me who wish me well.

May I come to Value
that today is a blessing to be enjoyed,
that each person is unique & important,
that each moment of my life has meaning.
(source)



I guess you can always find the good that comes from the bad...

-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, 
And wisdom to know the difference.


Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


Bless my broken heart with healing.
A love has ended, leaving an emptiness inside,
where once there was a warm, comforting glow,
intimacies shared are no more, flown without trace,
gone as if, they never were at all, leaving sadness.

Bless my bruised trust with healing.
A love has ended, and I am alone once more,
confused by the swiftness of love's departure,
missing the intimacies once shared between us,
may my heart open to trust again, and not shut down.

My loss and this pain will soften in time,
when I am ready, bless me with a new, true, love,
open me to laughter, joy, deep sharing & happiness,
may I put away any lingering resentments & blaming.
Bless my past loves with health and happiness.
(source)

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19 comments

  1. I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago after having my son (who is now 9 months old). I started googling "mom blogs" to see who was out there going through the same things I was going through with my little one. I have loved reading the updates on your son. Then, it was fun to start reading about your crafting a sewing adventures (I had gotten a sewing machine a few weeks before my son was born and I had just started to sew myself). Anyways, I always looked forward to reading your blog and I am sad that you won't be around anymore. More importantly though, I am sad that you are so sad. I truly hope that everything works out for you and your son. I hope to one day read your blog again =)

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  2. Oh, Joan. I'm all teary. I'm so sad things have taken this turn for you guys. I'll be praying for you. You CAN do it.

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  3. I am so sorry. I will definitely be praying for you and will miss your posts while you're gone. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. <3 <3

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  4. I'm praying for you friend :)
    xo, Jamie

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  5. Praying so hard for you right now, friend. I pray that you find your way and you're able to have a wonderful new beginning. I'm only an e-mail away, love. I'm hear for you.

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  6. Praying for you, love. You are strong and you will make it through. I know it's hard, but you have a weight lifted, and you'll be with family. You can do anything you dream - shoot high.

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  7. I will be praying for you my dear. I hope things start looking up for you soon. You seem like such a strong woman you can get through this hun!!! YOU CAN! <3 <3 <3

    In our sea of love

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  8. Hi, I don't think we ever met but I've been reading your blog ever since Porter was born. I see you as a strong person, a beautiful soul, with many talents and much love to give. Porter is a beautiful child and your love for him shows through in your photos. I am going to miss reading your blog. I will pray for you both.

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  9. samantha moore-schwermannJanuary 7, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    We are here for you in Lawrence. I hope to see you and Porter again someday. We are all wishing you a wonderful new chapter of life. May it be blessed and full of love.

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  10. Oh I am so sorry your going through this, I will be praying for you and Porter. I know God will give you the strength to make it through this! I am also going through something similar with my husband.

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  11. Thank you. I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this too...it's so hard but I know that it's gotta get easier...you stay strong too :) Do you have a blog or anything that I can check out? Us girls need to stick together :)

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  12. Thanks Sam, that means a lot. Even though Jeremy and I aren't working out, there is so much good that came from our relationship- you, Aidric and Nathan being one of those good things :) I hope to see you guys again as well, and I hope that we can stay in touch for a long long time.

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  13. Sorry for the super late reply, life is crazy...as you can probably imagine. It means a lot that you reached out and i'm so happy to know that there are people out there who do care, regardless of the fact that we don't even technically know each other. Thanks so much...I will be back more often soon, so I hope to hear from you again in the future. And yay for sewing!!! :) :)

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  14. Thanks Kelley, I appreciate your kind words. It's hard, but I know that it's for the best and that's what matters right? I am looking forward to my happier future, that's for sure. Things were bad for a long time, and it's time for this mama to be happy!

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  15. I really love that Psalm, thank you so very much :) I think all this praying is working, because I am doing well and being so much stronger than I ever knew possible. So thank you, again. I will be back soon :) :)

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  16. Thank you thank you thank you. That means more than you know :)

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  17. Thanks Chelsea. I'm still wishing you lived closer so you could come babysit for me ;) Hehe. I hope I can find my way too...so far so good :)

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  18. I do have a weight lifted, that's for sure! As hard as the whole thing has been, I prove to myself every day my strength. Girl, you don't even know how high i'm going to shoot...I am so ready to be happy again!

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  19. I CAN! And I most definitely will :) Thank you for your comment, it means the world to me.

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