Oh, Life. Revised.

I posted this post earlier, and I received an anonymous comment from somebody who "knows Jeremy" and was really rude to me about ...

I posted this post earlier, and I received an anonymous comment from somebody who "knows Jeremy" and was really rude to me about it, so I deleted the post. They were saying I wasn't classy, that I should be ashamed of myself for writing it here, and to keep it to myself. That I shouldn't put my "drama" here for strangers to read. Well guess what? THIS is my life. And as for your comment about judging his character? I'm not judging his character, not in any way. I am relaying what happened, not judging.
And he CAN defend himself. He can come here and comment just like you did. Although I don't feel like there is anything here to defend. It is what it is.
You said that there are two sides to every story. Well, of course there are. And this is MY side. If you are interested in hearing his, than ask him (since you know him and all).
But since i've deleted it, all I can think about ALL DAY is that one stupid person got to me enough to take this post down, and that's not fair. This is MY space. I can write what I want. I have support here, and I am honest.
Let me say this- I am not saying Jeremy is a horrible person in general. He was shitty to me and our relationship didn't work out because of a plethora of reasons and that's what this post is about. I state below that I had my issues and problems too. I admitted to that. I know that he can be a good person when he wants, to whom he wants.
THAT'S WHAT IS SO HARD. I wanted him to be a good person and nice to ME.

I did leave a lot of things out of it- there is a lot more that I could write about but chose not to, because I AM classy and am NOT trying to "tell the internet world" all of the shitty details. I'm not sitting here telling everyone to hate him. I am only talking about my experience and if you don't want to read my blog, and don't agree with the things I write, then DON'T come here. Simple as that.
All of these things that i've written in here, me and him have talked about, and he understands that I am upset. And because he will forever think that everything he's done is right and justified,
then why does it matter what I write here? If he's upset by this post, it only tells me that he knows that the things he has done are wrong, and really, that would be nice.
This is my blog. That's what it comes down to. I have support here, and friends who care. At this point, I have lost my "family" that I wanted so badly. I need support.
And i'm sorry if it offends you, but again,
THIS IS MY BLOG.
And in response to your comment about Porter reading this someday, I hope he does. This is a diary of him, his life, and he WILL know the truth someday.
Whether he reads it here or he wonders why me and his father didn't work out and asks me.
I will not lie to him, ever.
And i've also told Jeremy that very same thing.

So Randy.Travis@gmail.com, if you don't like what I write, don't read my blog.
And if you would like to seriously talk to me about it,
email me and be enough of a person to sign your name on your comment.
I will no longer read comments that come to me anonymously, they will be immediately deleted. So if you feel that what you have to say is important enough for me to read, or for anyone else who reads my blog, then SIGN YOUR DAMN NAME.

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First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented on this post, or emailed me regarding that post. I am so happy and thankful for all of the girls who, even though I don't necessarily "know", came to me to tell me that they were there for me, to tell me that they were praying for me to stay strong.
I am astounded at how these girls took a few minutes out of their day to think of me,
to pray for me- to just BE there for me.
It's amazing that these people who don't even know me in person,
-but whom have gotten to know me through this blog-
care more than some of the people that are actually in my daily life.
Next, I want to say this- on my blog, I don't really talk much about the bad parts, the hard parts, the struggles in my life, but believe me, there are many. I tend to stay away from my blog during hard times because I don't like to sit here and complain. But I've realized that life is life, no one has a perfect one, and it's truly good for me to have this place full of support and friends that I can come to and really feel as though i'm not going to be judged.
I know that I wasn't very detailed about what happened and how things fell apart- I want to be, but unfortunately much of it is very personal and some things I just can't talk about here, no matter how much I may want to.
I'm still unbearably sad, but i'm doing my best to stay strong, and i'm trying so hard to let go of what I thought I had.


I know i'm not perfect, but it takes two people to make a relationship work...and for the record, i've been trying in the best ways that I know how- but I can't be the only one, and it's felt so one-sided for so long. I haven't been respected at all, and I was treated horribly. 

I will never understand how someone can choose ANYTHING, no matter what that may be, over their family. Never. My family is my world, and it will continue to stay that way for the rest of my life. Because really, what else is there? Life is meaningless without family- that unconditional love is what life is all about.

But like I said in the other post, the love is gone. He stopped loving me, stopped caring, and started treating me like crap. He even admitted he did. And I truly loved him, but over time, you can only be treated that way for so long before that love fades slowly away.
Again, I'm not going to sit here and say I am perfect and that all of our problems were out of my hands, but I am a big enough person to admit to my issues and problems and was in every way willing to work on those. He wasn't. He often says that he tried, and maybe i'm blind, but I never saw those attempts. Nothing ever changed, and it was the same fights week after week, month after month, year after year. For so long he told me that I should just like him for him, and yet he was constantly telling me things that I needed to change or work on when it came to ME.
How is that fair?
I understand the concept of liking and accepting a person for who they are, but I also believe that in a relationship you need to work on certain aspects of yourself in order for things to work. Sometimes you have to do things you don't necessarily want to do. It's called compromise. There are no two people in this world who are exactly alike and think exactly the same way. There just aren't. 



There are a few things that I need to get off my chest, and so it is here that I will do that. I know people wonder "why did you stay?" or "what were you thinking?" because these are things that I ask myself on the daily. Love makes you do crazy things...wanting to keep your family together for your child...those are the only answers I have. 
So to the people who have emailed me with questions about what happened...here are just a few things to help you to understand:
Jeremy chose to not come to the hospital the day Porter was released from the NICU to come home. Why, you ask? Because he says I was being a bitch the night before. And maybe I was. But when you spend over a week sleeping/eating/living in the hospital with your new baby and his Dad doesn't stay one night with you, and then decides to go to concerts and party for two nights in a row the two nights before his son gets to come home...you might have been a tad bitchy too. 
I got us signed up for Medicaid and WIC so we could have insurance and necessities, because he laughed at me when I told him to get a job, even though I had a job the entire time I was pregnant.
Since the beginning of our relationship, over 3 years ago, I have been asking him to go to the zoo with me, or a museum, or for a hike. Did he ONCE do these things with me? No. The only thing he enjoys doing is going to concerts and partying. For real. That's IT. Don't get me wrong, I love music (I think anyone who has been following my blog could see that it's a big part of my life too),
but that's not ALL there is to life.
There is so much more, and it makes me really sad that he is so closed minded and doesn't see that.
He has literally screamed obscenities in my face about my character, about the person I am. 
He has, for years, made me feel like my thoughts, opinions, cares, feelings, and morals are stupid and unimportant. If I don't think like him, then i'm wrong. Or an idiot, or stupid or dumb or retarded. For so long I let him say those things to me and just tried to forget them.
But I know now that that doesn't work. 
I replay some of our most horrible fights over and over in my head often. He was never wrong, he constantly attempted to justify every single thing he's done. He has never apologized for any of his mean words and actions, he just tells me it's my fault he acted that way.
He's been telling me he loved me for years, but admitted not long ago that he never did.
He said he "tried" but he never did. 

So there is a small little portion of "what happened".


I just want everyone to have at least a small chance of understanding. I have, for so long, been made out to be the bad guy and it's not fair.
I'm not a bad person.
I just want to make the right choices and give Porter the best life I can.
I have learned more so in the past 3 years than I've ever known that you can't change people.
People can only change themselves.
And in all honesty, I think some people are incapable of even that. When you live for your whole life being/acting/thinking a certain way, I guess it's just too hard to change. I don't know. 

So now here I am, still living in Jeremy's house, not "together" anymore, but having to interact because we have a child together. I am in the process of looking for another place, but until then it's going to continue to be really hard.
I am trying to stay strong. 
I am really thankful for my friends here, for the people that have shown how much they care about me and have reassured me that I am making the right decisions.

I just want to be happy again. That's all.
Really, truly, happy.




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Lately, I have felt I couldn't get back into my normal blogging schedule until I gave some sort of explanation as to what was going on. I don't know why, but yeah. I didn't want to leave everyone hanging and worrying about me, and just come back here like everything is ok. Because it isn't. It was hard to write this post, and even harder to hit publish. It's hard to admit and talk about the bad stuff.
It's really hard. 
I am going to make a valid effort to get back to normal posting. I love this blog, it's been a place where i've felt I can be myself and not be judged, and I can't push that away. It's been one of the only things that's made me happy for a long time, and I love this community of people.

So with that said, I have a couple reviews/giveaway coming up, and a calendar filled with ideas of posts that I am working on. 

I'm glad to be back :)

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And again, if you don't agree with what I write, then you shouldn't be here.
If you want to let me know that you don't agree, that is completely fine. I will hear you out and talk with you about it.
If I know who you are...

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6 comments

  1. I love that you just flat out called that guy out! I literally laughed out loud when I read his email address.

    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I've been thinking of you and P through all of this and have been wondering how you are and how you're handling it all. You're such a strong woman for doing what you're doing. I helped my best friend go through a similar situation with her ex husband and two girls, so I understand from a friendship point of view and I know from her experience that it is NOT easy. She too lived away from her friends and family and it took her a long time to get into a new groove, but as a mother, you just do what you have to do for your child. That much, I know.

    I'm glad you're getting your groove back. I definitely missed you! Hang in there girl, I know it doesn't seem like it, but one day you're going to laugh and wonder how you stuck around for so long. You're smart and beautiful and you and Porter deserve the VERY best!

    xoxo

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  2. So I've read your blog for a long time (especially when you started posting awesome DIY stuff) and this is the first time I've commented, but damn girl, well done you. Mensa member Randy Travis over there wasn't a part of yours and Jeremy's relationship, so it really doesn't matter what he thinks he knows. Every relationship is different behind closed doors and a lot of people forget that. You are doing the best thing for Porter by getting out of an unhealthy relationship now instead of staying in one and showing him that this is how he should treat someone/be treated. You're obviously a fantastic mom and P is so lucky to have you.

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  3. You go girl. I think that's funny that you just called that dude out. And yeah, every story has two sides, LIKE YOU SAID. Good luck with everything..I'm sure your life will all fall back into place with time..

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  4. Nothing irks me more when people decide to cause trouble and judge others when they share their own personal thoughts on their own personal blog. You totally have every right to share your heart and thoughts here, that is the point and the honesty is what makes a blog so great! I'm so glad you took a stand! I'll still be praying for you. That is such an awful situation and you deserve so much better-- someone who loves you and someone who will be beside you through every good and hard moment of your life. I pray you find that!

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  5. Thank you thank you :) That means a lot to me. That's the EXACT reason I had enough...I want P to grow up seeing what REAL love is like, and seeing how people should REALLY be treated. I will do everything in my power to raise him to be a good person :)

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