Just Write...#1

I've seen this on a few blogs lately, and I decided I wanted in on it. The whole purpose is to just write...something I often find har...


I've seen this on a few blogs lately, and I decided I wanted in on it. The whole purpose is to just write...something I often find hard to do. There are so many things i think of in my mind to write about, but have such a hard time putting to words what's going on in my head. This is a problem- to me, anyways. I spend a lot of time taking/editing/posting pictures to post on here, but not enough time just writing things down.
So from now on, I will post a "Just Write" post every Tuesday and link up with The Extraordinary Ordinary
...and I'll just write.
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When I was about one, maybe a little younger, my mom, my biological father, Tracy Stiles, and I moved from Illinois to Texas. My mom was around 21 years old at the time. We lived there for about a year, and my little sister was born during that year (in Dallas). Around the time I was two, my mom chose to leave Texas with my sister and I. Tracy was more into drugs than being a father, didn't have a job or a place to live, so she did what was best for us and moved us back to my grandparents house in Illinois. She told him we were just going to visit my grandparents, packed what she could take with us, and never looked back. I was just told some of these details not very long ago, along with the fact that Tracy didn't make any effort to see us again.

Now, I understand as well as I can that people make mistakes, 
and sometimes people just aren't ready to be parents.
But to me, Porter is my life now. I would give up everything for him, and have already changed so much about my life to make his the best it can be. I will never understand how someone can just give up something that is so important. But as much as I don't understand about why he made the choices he did, and why he gave up on his family so easily, I would give almost anything to be able to talk to him, for him to be able to explain his side of the story to me.

I am a pretty forgiving person, I don't like being mad at people or people being mad at me. I, like every other single person in this world, have made my share of mistakes. I realize that no one is perfect, and even though I would never give up on my family, it would be nice to know why he did. And as hard as it is to admit, I think that there is a little piece of me that's missing and that will not ever be full until I know who Tracy is. Because really, that's half of who I am. That's half of my genetics and I want to know about that other half. I want to know if I have any other half brothers or sisters out there...

There's a lot I just want to know.
Maybe someday I will find him, or he will find me, and I will get some of the answers I am looking for...



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2 comments

  1. What an incredible story. I cannot even imagine. I am amazed that knowing what you know how excepting of the situation you are! Better that than to be bitter I suppose :) Thanks for sharing - I really like this "just write" link up!

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  2. Oh hon, I'm so sorry. That is really SUCH tough stuff to deal with. That is really great of you to want to be open to hearing his side. Most probably, though, it wasn't so much about him giving up on his family as much as it was about him giving up on himself first. Drugs can do crazy things to people. I'm not in any way excusing him or what he did or didn't do. I'm just saying the reason he gave up on family probably had everything to do with him and where he was in life, and nothing to do with you. So please don't carry any sense of guilt or feeling that you might have done something different. You ARE worth staying for, even if he didn't have the strength in him to BE there for anyone or anything.

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